Sunday February 1, 2009

Ben died. One minute he was there and the next minute he was gone, for good. I can’t believe he’s never coming back. I still think that any minute now he’s going to walk into the door and tell me it was all one big sick joke, that he’s still so young and still has so many plans left and is definitely not ready to go, let alone leave me on my own. Who else will take care of me?

It happened last Sunday, the day I got back from New York. He got hit by a car on a bloody Sunday, of all the days of the week it had to be a Sunday, there’s hardly any traffic in the street were he got hit on a Sunday. But he still got hit, fatally. We had dinner and I remember thinking that it felt so good to come home to him. Well, I didn’t come home to just Ben, but more on that later. He was all excited because he had met a guy the day before and he was going to meet him later that night but he had wanted to see me first. He wanted to know about Nikki and Alice and New York. When he left and I wished him a good night with his new beau I didn’t know it was the last time that I would see him. I could tell that he was happy I was back and he was exhilarated about this new guy. And then he died. Just like that, like life has nothing on death, just one moment and he was gone. The doctors said that, once the car had hit him, he didn’t stand a chance. Bam. Dead.

I didn’t go to work all week, officially I’m on sick leave but unofficially I couldn’t care less about work right now. I wasn’t sure if I should write about this, I never even told Ben about this blog and I called him my best friend. I told him everything. At first it felt like a discredit to him, to talk about his death amidst all the futile drama on here, but I have to write it down. Maybe I’ll never publish this. Maybe I will. And oh boy did I have some dramatic dyke tales to share with you. In a nutshell: seeing Nikki was a huge anti-climax, realizing and drunkenly confessing to Alice that I have a huge crush on her was extremely shameful because her response was that she is 110% straight and no matter how much she liked me platonically, that was never going to change. When I came home from New York Ben and Helen told me that Helen had been sleeping in my room ever since I left because she and Mona had broken up. Helen is now still sleeping in my room. She can hardly sleep in Ben’s room and I need her and she needs me.

She’s not just sleeping in my room though; she’s sleeping with me in my bed. It’s probably wrong in a million ways and it definitely isn’t based on desire or longing, it’s just comfort. It exhausts us physically and it helps us hope we’ll get some sleep, but we don’t. Because when I say sleeping I actually mean tossing, turning and crying. Ben was her best friend too.

It’s all one big mess but it’s all so irrelevant because Ben’s parents lost their son, his siblings lost their brother and his nieces and nephew lost their uncle and me, I lost the best friend I have ever had.

This blog may not survive this, but I want to thank you all for your concern and virtual support. It really means something to me. I don’t know any of you personally and the internet is full of fleeting meaningless bullshit, but all your comments have been important to me. It’s just that right now I’m almost ashamed of all the overdramatic crap I’ve written on here the past half year and I need to distance myself from it because it all simply doesn’t matter right now.

And who knows, maybe I’ll miss it sooner than I can now imagine… especially now that I don’t have Ben anymore.

Wednesday January 28, 2009

Something terrible has happened, something so terrible it makes all the stuff I write on here seem so excruciatingly trivial. I won’t write about it (yet) because I don’t want to trivialize it by doing so. Maybe later.

Monday January 19, 2009

Today I’m baffled by how funny life can be sometimes. I spent almost my entire weekend working due to a crisis at work I will be very vague about, but let me tell you that it was pretty serious. But our hard work has paid off and we’re back in the clear now. What a way to start the new year, I’ve learnt a lot of new foul language, I can tell you that. I think I was most impressed by Alice and how incredibly calm, cool and hands-on she turned out to be. Did I mention that I’m growing more and more fond of her? Anyway, now that the crisis has been averted my boss called me and Alice into his office this morning. He thanked us for our efforts and he said that for once he didn’t want his thanks to just extend to words. Tomorrow evening he was supposed to leave on a business trip but he said that over the weekend Alice and I proved that we would be more than suitable stand-ins for him and if we wanted (and could get our passports ready at such short notice) we could both go in his place. Guess where we’re going? Oh yeah, we’re going to New York!

Life can be a bitch sometimes, we all know that, but it can also be very sweet when it really really wants to be… There’s a thought to hold on to. We will of course be stuck in meetings and conferences for the better part of the week, but who cares, because we will be in New York. Well, there’s still a lot of arranging and preparing to be done and I guess I won’t be going home early tonight, but it’s well worth it. Oh yeah it is. Alice and I are now talking about extending our stay until Sunday so we can at least have a little bit of free time to enjoy the city. We don’t think our boss will mind that much since he does kind of owe us for spending the better part of last weekend at the office.

I am of course seeing this whole thing as a huge sign that I am destined to see Nikki again. I have already sent her an e-mail and I will meet up with her, that goes without saying. I’m so excited I think I might burst. Alice and I will be sharing a room though because according to my boss two plain tickets don’t automatically mean two hotel rooms. It doesn’t bother me even though I have been to New York before and I know how tiny the hotel rooms can be over there. But Alice and I get along really well so it shouldn’t be a problem. And now I’ll get to see her (semi-)naked, there’s nothing like that to solidify the ties between co-workers. I think. Either way, we’re not going to New York to sleep so we shouldn’t spend that much time in our room.

But before I wrap up this blogpost and start neglecting Dyke Tales for the rest of the week I do still need to tell you about my blind date. I didn’t cancel it. I thought about it and I probably should have cancelled it because by Saturday night I was pretty exhausted but I thought that going out with a stranger would do me more good than watching Law & Order SVU with Fred and Ginger purring next to me. I know, bad judgement should be my middle name. But I had worked until about midnight Friday night and was back in the office way too early on Saturday morning and when I left around 5pm I promised my boss I would put in some more hours on Sunday morning as well, which I did. On Sunday afternoon I went for a run to decompress and I think I went to bed around 8pm, I don’t remember the time exactly, all I know is that it was disgracefully early and I was feeling so extremely semi-middle aged at the time.

But I digress; I wanted to tell you about the blind date. Actually the main reason for not cancelling it was a very shallow one. I had seen the woman’s picture and it really made me want to meet her. So I did and we ended up going to dinner anyway because I was starving and I couldn’t be bothered to go to the store and cook something myself at that point. She, let’s call her Bella on this blog, turned out to be very charming as well as the kind of pretty that I have found myself really going for in the past. The thing is that I was so worked up at the time, I think I still had adrenaline rushing through my veins and it must have really showed. I ended up talking about work way too much and also when I’m over-excited I tend to say the wrong things. I simply wasn’t in a right state to go on a blind date. I apologized profusely but I think Bella must see me as some hard ass nervous workaholic, which in all honesty I really am not. I’m usually actually very good at closing my office door and leaving work behind me, it’s just that this one time I brought work into my personal life and it was the wrong time. (Well, I know I’ve done it before with Theresa but that was something else entirely.) I’ve been on dates with women who talk about their work endlessly and I know how boring it can be and how selfish it comes across. I don’t think Bella will want to see me again… I have sent her an e-mail to explain (Helen gave me her address) and apologize some more because I would like a second chance. Either way it will have to wait until next week.

I don’t think I’ll have much blog opportunity the coming week, what with Alice and me shacking up and everything, but I will give you all the juicy and not so juicy details once I get back. Bye.

Friday January 16, 2009

Today I am in crisis mode, but don’t worry, it’s totally work-related. The crisis may well ruin my weekend plans, oh well it seems to already have ruined my blogging plans for today but I’m hoping that I won’t have to cancel my blind date… I’ll keep you posted. Of course.

Thursday January 15, 2009

Today I’m in dance mode and that means happy mode. Steve and I had our first dance class of the year last night and afterwards he very sincerely stated: ‘I know I start with the wrong foot more often than not but I feel that tonight we’ve made a breakthrough.’ I really love dancing but I do get why Steve said that. Most of the couples we’re dancing with in our class are real life couples, actually I think they all are (including one lesbian couple) and I think that makes dancing with each other much easier. For certain dances you have to come really close and sometimes our teacher even says stuff like ‘come on, you’re in love, I want to see it when you dance’. That’s a bit tricky for Steve and I of course and pretending just makes us giggle.

Even though we’re still very much beginners it has happened to me that we’re doing some dance moves to a great song and we’re really hitting the rhythm and finding our groove, we’re really moving together and that feeling is absolutely fabulous. Because that’s what dancing is all about; moving together in perfect sync. Dancing, I love it. Steve does say that all too often I take the lead and that I have to learn to let him lead me but that appears to be quite difficult for me. It’s probably the lesbian in me who doesn’t want to be told where to go by a man’s touch, it must be that. But all in all dancing has become my new favourite hobby.

In other news Helen has confirmed my blind date for Saturday, well it’s not actually a totally blind date because Helen e-mailed me a picture so I know what to expect on that front. I dare say I’m looking forward to it somewhat. We’ll just be having drinks together because never again am I doing a blind date over dinner. I learnt that lesson when I went on my first (blind) date with Nikki. Speaking of Nikki; how crazy was I to think I should go and see her? Now that I’m finally really starting to put it all behind me I would visit her across the pond, that’s just silly. January is a month for silly thoughts, let me tell you that. I actually think that we should just write down all the ideas we have in January and do nothing else with them until we’ve reviewed them in February. If it still sounds like a good idea in February then you’re allowed to go for it. Trust me; I shall take my own advice.

On the work front I’m still struggling to keep my focus all day and I’m fighting very hard with myself internally to not allow myself to take tomorrow off. This is real life and discipline is required. This morning on my way to work I was having The Eternal Thought of my life again about how much I need routine but how at the same time I also really need to break free from it. Of course without a daily routine there would be no breaking free. But I do sometimes catch myself wondering whether there isn’t something better than this rat race. Oh well, these are just my January thoughts, I really shouldn’t write them down like this because it makes them all the more difficult to forget and ignore.

There is one good work-related thing about January though because it’s the month in which Alice started working on our team. She’s really starting to grow on me which is a good thing because we spend quite a lot of time together at work. She’s very intelligent but she’s also pretty mysterious, like there’s this big thing she’s not telling us. I’m going out with her after work so I hope to find out more.

Now let’s get back to work.

Wednesday January 14, 2009

Today, with no prospect of any kind of holiday and only work (and – admittedly – some play) planned in the near future, I realize that I have no choice but to soldier on, but I don’t like the thought very much. It’s not that I don’t like my job, it’s mostly fun and it’s even challenging sometimes (which I’ve learnt to see as a good thing), my boss and I are getting along very well again and I’m starting to grow very fond of my new colleague Alice and her unconventional ways, it’s just that I need something to look forward to. Like a holiday. It’s like this every year when I start work again in January, I find myself in some kind of work-related crisis just because I find it so hard to get my professional groove back after two weeks of total non-activity. But I’m sure it’ll come back, I just have to make it through the first couple of weeks because I know from experience that they are the hardest. Come February I will have settled nicely back into my much-needed every day routine, I hope so anyway. It’s just a pity it’s only January 14th. I’m beginning to realize that January really is my least favourite month of the year, even though it’s supposed to be the time for new beginnings and clean slates. I’m whining again, aren’t I? I’ll stop doing that now.

Last night Helen and I went over to Ben’s ex-twink’s place, we were all prepared to give him this totally over-the-top and probably unfair speech and we were really getting into our part of Your Ex-Boyfriend’s Lesbian Friends From Hell but the little twit wasn’t home. So his room mate gave us what we came for and that was the end of it. I thought it was an appropriate time to ask Helen how she and Mona are doing these days. She said that she no longer had that overwhelming urge to break free (aka break up with Mona) and that she was feeling better in general but that she still was nowhere near certain that they were going to make it. She’s been doing some soul-searching which included going over all the things she wants in a partner. Mona used to tick a lot of these boxes but somehow over the years they both changed and now she’s not so sure Mona is the right person for her anymore. Despite the fact that they’ve been getting on a lot better lately. It’s a tricky situation. Helen said that they talked about it a little bit but she’s not convinced talking is the answer. She needs more time to see how things will evolve and to see if they can become closer again. We’ll see.

What with Ben and his twink breaking up and Helen and Mona’s relationship almost on the blink I thought to myself that it may actually be a good thing that I’m single, but then Helen asked if I was finally ready to meet ‘that one girl she once told me about’. We all know I’m desperate so I said Oh Yes, I’m Ready. It must have been around the time when Nikki and I first broke up that she and Mona first told me about her but I wasn’t really interested in another blind date back then. I am now. Either way, I feel that something needs to happen. A blind date with someone who is chosen by one of my best friends could just be that. Ever since meeting Nikki on a blind date I’ve become a fan of them you see. So Helen said she’d try and arrange something for this weekend. Great, maybe that can make me burst out of my post holiday blues.

Tuesday January 13, 2009

Today is a bad day. Not for me personally but for two of my friends whose state of mind influences me rather directly. Ben and his twink broke up because Ben found out that the little shit had been cheating on him from day one. How nice. Ben seemed really beat up about it, I guess he really liked his twink. Well, I don’t just guess because I saw them together often enough and they always seemed so lovey-dovey together. The fact that I question Ben’s taste in men (or boys) isn’t relevant at this point because they broke up and now Ben is suffering from heart ache and he’s reduced to a love-sick drama queen for a while. Either way, it’s a good thing he found out now, not that I’m saying that makes it less painful, but at least now he hasn’t wasted any more time on that silly little boy. I don’t know the details of what happened, what their arrangements were and things like that, all I know is that Ben was pretty angry so the twink must have done something wrong. Ben asked me to go and pick some of his stuff up at the twink’s place tonight because he never wants to see him again. Of course I agreed, it will give me a chance to give him a piece of my mind, although something inside of me does tell me that I should stay out of it. Trust me, gay drama can be as bad as dyke drama.

So, Ben is in pieces for now. But I’m sure he’ll get over it soon enough. This would have been the chance to re-introduce Steve into his life again, not that he never sees Steve because they see each other regularly because of me and some other mutual friends, but there’s a big difference between occasionally bumping into someone and really getting acquainted. But meanwhile Steve has been getting semi-involved with someone else, it’s all still very low-key and very much no strings attached but I’m not going to push Ben into the arms of someone who’s already somewhat romantically pre-occupied. I’ll just take him out and waste one of my allowed hangovers on him, I’m sure that will help.

In other not-so-good news, Patsy told me that the chances of her getting some considerable time off the next half year were very very slim. She said not to blame her boss but just blame the economy. Either way, she didn’t think she could score enough days off to make our planned trip to the US of A worthwhile, for now anyway. Maybe things will change sooner than expected but she can’t engage herself to make any bookings at the moment. I’m pretty gutted. I haven’t even talked to my boss about it. I guess now I don’t have to anymore. Patsy didn’t seem too happy about it either but she did say that she understood, times are difficult and we all have to pitch in to survive. At least we still have jobs. In a way she’s right but of course this means I won’t get to see Nikki. Because if I’m being honest, that was kind of what it was all about. An excuse to see Nikki. Of course I could go and see her by myself but somehow I don’t think that’s the best plan I ever had. Oh well, maybe I should just ask Ben if he feels like escaping to some southern beach for a week in February. That way we’ll get to escape the cold for a while and we can return with our mental batteries fully recharged. It’s just that the prospect of lying on a beach for a week doesn’t really excite me.

But hey, we’re all healthy, we have roofs over our heads and most of the time we’re happy. That counts for something.