Well April 14, 2009

I guess it’s time to break the silence. 2009 has unmistakably been the most horrendous year of my life so far, and we’re not even half way through it. I’ve had a rough couple of months to say the least and while it wasn’t my intention to abruptly stop blogging, I did. I simply didn’t have the energy, the gusto or drive to look back every once and a while and write it down. I mainly just wanted to forget. But you know, spring is upon us and I happen to love spring, the first real sun on my face is one of the most invigorating feelings I know. So, I changed the look of my blog and I hope to be able to change the tone a bit as well. After all, I am about to become an auntie again and there’s nothing like the fragility and power of a new life to snap you out of the false comfort of endless self-pity.

I’ve been slacking at work, calling in sick when I didn’t feel like getting out of bed way too often and just generally not caring enough to even come close to doing my best, which is what I get paid for. Come to think of it, I’m lucky I’m still getting paid. Luckily there’s Wonder Woman Alice, Employee of the Year, who keeps picking up the pieces. She is so annoyingly perfect with her perfectly ironed suits and that perfect smile that never goes away, she always knows what to say and she manages to stay modest so I can’t hate her. I could never hate Alice. I’ve thought about throwing the towel in, quitting my job and leaving this city to start fresh elsewhere or take a few sabbatical months and move back in with my parents, but, and I know this may sound totally crazy, I have Fred and Ginger to take into consideration. It’s as if all the love I had for Ben has been transformed into love for these two furry cute creatures and taking care of them is the only duty I have left where Ben is concerned. And you just simply can’t move two cats to another country. That’s right, I’m being tied down by cats and the craziest thing is that I don’t care because there isn’t a thing that I wouldn’t do for them. They are so sweet, so loving, so goofy and so pretty; they break my heart every time I walk out the door.

I’m still living with Helen but she and Mona got back together so our flat is now occupied by three people and two cats (who seem to get bigger every week). I should start looking for a new place because it could give me a fresh start but I don’t want to live on my own anymore. I’ve gotten used to the company and the comfort of a bigger apartment. Of course Helen and Mona say that I can stay as long as I like but who wants to live with a newly reunited couple? That is not my long-term goal, I can tell you that. So, I’m looking into new roommate possibilities but I have high standards so either I lower my standards or I postpone it all a bit longer. You guessed it right, I chose to postpone. I spend a lot of my time with Theresa anyway.

That’s right, the path to self-destruction continues. I don’t love her or anything, she’s more like a friend with benefits, lots of benefits. The thing is that I’m actually quite hung up on Alice and Theresa is the kind of person who doesn’t frown on me madly crushing on a straight girl. It amuses her. I fully realize that I’m nothing more to Theresa than amusement, distraction and a power trip but I don’t want to be anything else to anyone else right now. I should snap out of it really, I was hoping that the warmth of the sun, that seems to pass right through my heart at times, would help me see sense. And it does, but I still keep going back to Theresa. Maybe it’s more than a warped friendship, maybe it’s also companionship and comfort, it must be.

I’ve been living in this bubble but I feel that with the rise in temperature my bubble of protection is slowly starting to burst, it’s as if I needed that time in my bubble to get ready to face life again, to wake up in the morning and to actually believe that today will be okay instead of pretending to believe it.

So far for this quick update. I hope to be back with more soon (but lately I tend to spend my lunch break on catching up on my sloppy work).