Monday February 16, 2009

Since the moment we heard the news about Ben I’ve hardly had any time on my own, not that I wanted to be alone because I really needed the company but it was all becoming a bit too much. People keep on coming over to tell you that they’re there for you but meanwhile you’re being there for them. I don’t mean to seem ungrateful because I actually appreciate all the attention and care but I just wanted some time alone with my thoughts and my memories. It’s not that I wasn’t able to steal the odd hour or two of solitude, it’s more that that wasn’t enough anymore. Also, moving in with Helen didn’t mean that she stopped sleeping in my bed. She’s had it really rough, Ben was one of her oldest friends and at first she was all brave about breaking up with Mona but you don’t just walk away from a five-year relationship and move on, especially not when your best friend just died. And while we find support with one another it is quite emotionally draining to always be around her. I do understand that she doesn’t want to sleep alone, she hasn’t slept alone in years, but I’m used to being the only person (apart from two cats from time to time) in my bed.

I told all of this to Alice after work on Friday and she said that I was more than welcome to spend some time at her place over the weekend. I don’t know what all those years of studying have done to her brain but she seems to have some sort of a solution to every problem and she doesn’t need a whole lot of time to come up with them either. She told me to get Steve or another close friend to come and stay with Helen over the weekend so that I wouldn’t spend it worrying about her and she then said that she would be expecting me at her house the same night after which she would leave me there alone and in peace until Sunday evening. It sounded like a good plan at the time. Steve didn’t have a problem with staying with Helen seeing as he’s practically living at our flat, when he’s not working or sleeping that is. And Helen understood. So I packed a bag with some bare necessities and made my way to Alice’s. We had dinner together and then she left. I didn’t tell her I wanted her to stay (but I think she knew anyway which is probably why she did).

This whole thing with Alice is growing out of proportion in my head; the situation has a lot to do with it of course because at the moment she’s my only escape. She’s the only one who can really distract me. Maybe because she has no connection to Ben whatsoever. But also because, well, she’s wonderful. I’ve only known her for a good month and already I can’t imagine life without her. It’s a bit crazy, I know, but I’m seriously infatuated with her and I need to get over it. I mean, not only is she totally straight, she’s also my colleague. If I don’t find some way to nip all these insane feelings in the bud it’s going to drive me crazy. Because there I was, finally left to my own devices, alone in Alice’s house, surrounded by her things… just hoping that she would return. I thought being alone was what I wanted but I should have known better. Who wants to be alone when their best friend has just died? I just needed a break from Helen, and I’m saying this with the utmost respect for Helen who is very very dear to me, but it had all gotten too intense. What with her break-up I started feeling like some surrogate Mona and in normal circumstances I would have just told her but things being how they are all I wanted was to spare her and forget about myself.

I knew Alice wasn’t going to come back, I was tired but I haven’t really been able to sleep and I was just sitting there thinking about who I could possibly call. It needed to be someone who would get drunk with me in silence and who wouldn’t mind staying the night without asking stupid questions. For some reason I ended up calling Theresa… Maybe because she’s familiar, maybe because she’s not (overly) nice, maybe because she came to see me the day before. Who knows what the real reasons behind our actions are? Either way, I spent the weekend at Theresa’s house (I was hardly going to invite her into Alice’s bed) and she took care of me. She did everything I wanted her to do, she was perfect, she was just what I needed at the time.

Was it silly of me? Probably but I don’t regret it, regret seems like such a wasted emotion these days. And we’ve all got to do what we’ve got to do to get through.