Friday February 13, 2009

Even though it may sometimes seem trivial in light of what has happened, life is still life. My life has surely changed a great deal and while losing Ben makes me feel angry and above all sad, I’m still alive and I’m not helping anyone by not at least trying to enjoy it. Do you know who said that to me? Of all people Theresa thought she had to give me a lesson in life. I’m not saying that she’s not right, because in essence she is; it’s just that I didn’t really want to hear it from her. (She showed up at my office last night, with the best of intentions, but still, I didn’t really need to see her.)

What I’m actually trying to say (and what Theresa unknowingly made me realize) is that I think I may need all the drama I create to go on, Ben and I, we were two massive drama queens, in a way it really defined us and our friendship but most of all: it’s just the way we lived our life. He hasn’t got a life to live anymore, be it a dramatic or a sane one, but I do. And I have my own ways of dealing with pain. So that’s what I shall do…

I made it through my first week of work and I’m starting to settle in at Helen’s. And I guess I’m slowly starting to blog again, although I haven’t settled back into my old blog routine, I do need it. At the moment it’s still a bit of a two-edged sword because when I blog I write about Ben and it’s not always easy because every time it hits me that he is really gone. I’ve always said that blogging was my therapy and while it is very therapeutic for me to write down all the things that I do, there aren’t many things on Dyke Tales that I didn’t talk to Ben about. Even though I never told him about the blog itself, I’m sure he would have loved it. But I didn’t need to tell him about Dyke Tales because he was in the know about almost all of its contents (and I need my anonymity, it wouldn’t have been the same if he was reading along, it would have made me self-conscious in some way and that’s just what I’ve always tried to avoid). It makes me see once more what a great friend he was. I also wrote about Ben a lot on here, he frequently showed up in my blog posts and only being able to refer to him in the past tense from now on is rough. (It’s always the seemingly little things that make you cry the hardest.)

I also want to thank you all for your kind words (and if I owe you a long over-due reply to an e-mail, I have not forgotten) and supportive comments. I know that I’m just an anonymous blogger, one of many, but it’s just that anonymity that allows me to share my grief (and all the other things) the way that I do. Some of you have spurred me on to keep blogging and some readers have expressed what my blog means to them personally, I find comfort in that. So, big virtual dyke hugs to all of you who feel for me despite not knowing me.