Tuesday February 10, 2009

What is so cruel about someone close to you unexpectedly passing away is that the world seems to stop but actually it just goes on. Life goes on. That must be about the cruellest phrase in the universe. But it is true. That’s what makes it so cruel. It has been more than two weeks and I’m back at work. I’m back at work because life goes on. I also moved out of our flat and am now living with Helen. Our old flat is totally empty. At first I didn’t know what to do with Ben’s stuff apart from put it in boxes but his parents and brothers thought it would be best to give as much things away as possible, as a sort of reminder to people who want something physical to remember him by. I kept his Barbra Streisand CD collection, he sure loved himself some Barbra, we didn’t live together for that long but the times I came home to him singing along to The Way We Were were endless. In the beginning I hated it but I warmed up to it, how could I not… (He could be such a queen sometimes, one of the many things I loved about him.)

I also cleaned the whole apartment all by myself (which is not that difficult when it’s empty) until I thought it was clean enough to make Ben proud, it’s an understatement to say that he liked the place to be clean, so I gave it a last thorough once-over in his honour. And then I left and I don’t intend to return. It’s kind of a relief to be living in a new place now, even though it’s in the same building and it has a lot of history, at least I’m not sitting on his couch or I’m not cooking with one of his pans. And of course Helen’s flat has a lot of memories of Ben as well, but at least it doesn’t constantly remind me of the fact that he’ll never be coming home again.

It does feel odd to be at work, my boss told me to take it easy but I didn’t come here to pretend to work, essentially I came here to get my mind off things. Not that it’s working because everybody’s walking on eggshells around me, with the best intentions I know, well, everyone except Alice. She’s been doing a lot of my work, staying late and coming in early and she came to see me at home almost every day. She says things like: “Ben’s not here to take care of you anymore so I will.” She says things that other people would dread to say to me under the circumstances. I like her, I like her too much and I’ve been indulging myself in her sympathy, but I don’t care. She doesn’t seem to care either. Apart from distraction, Alice is probably the main reason why I came back to work. It’s messy and it’s hopeless but right now I’m in a situation in which I don’t have to care about that. One of the last things Ben said to me before he walked out of the door (never to return) was to just go for it with Alice. It was so like Ben to say that. No matter what crazy crush I told him about, he always said: “go full speed ahead, babe!”

I miss him.