Friday November 28, 2008

Today it’s Friday and I’m even happier than usual about that because I am so exhausted. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in quite some time and it’s beginning to take its toll on me. I’m not one for taking pills (only drinking alcohol) but I’m seriously considering taking a sleeping pill tonight. I need to sleep, without sleep I’m so worthless and the few hours of restless sleep per night I’ve been getting the past couple of weeks simply aren’t enough anymore. I’ve never been good at getting up in the morning (it’s a bit of an understatement to say that I’m not really a morning person) but lately it’s been such a disaster. So, my plan for tonight is to cuddle up on the couch with Fred and Ginger (who have become such attention whores lately), catch up on some TV, take a pill around 11PM and slip into a sweet and oblivious sleep until the morning. The thought of sleeping a full night, I swear to God it almost makes me want to cry here and now.

But I bet you’re more interested in what happened with Theresa yesterday than in my sleeping difficulties… don’t worry, I’ll kiss and tell as usual. So, I saw her at this networking thing, there were quite a bit of people there (including my boss) so I knew that if I didn’t want to talk to her I wouldn’t really have to (and vice versa). But as soon as she arrived she came straight over to me, shot me one of her glorious smiles and asked as friendly as I’ve ever seen her if we could talk for a minute. I said we could go to my office, she could always tell my boss I had to show her something. She said she’d meet me there in a couple of minutes. And she did.

Theresa: Thanks for inviting me into your office.
Me: You know you’re welcome.
Theresa: So, I guess I should apologize.
Me: I don’t think a guessed apology counts as a real apology. But that’s OK.
Theresa: Will you come to dinner at my house tonight?
Me: Will it be a liquid dinner?
Theresa: No, there will be things you can sink your teeth into.
Me: Oh I bet there will be.
Theresa: Look, I know I overstepped the mark. Just let me make up for it.
Me: And how are you going to do that?
Theresa: I can think of a way or two.
Me: You just have to realize that I’m not going to come running every time you feel like it. Just as I don’t expect you to do so for me.
Theresa: I know. I do realize that. I’m just not very good at apologizing.
Me: Maybe you should try harder.
Theresa: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: I think I’m going to throw a party at our flat on Saturday. We haven’t had a proper housewarming party yet.
Theresa: Aren’t you going to invite me then?
Me: What?
Theresa: I want to come to your party.
Me: Really? Why?
Theresa: Because I won’t be able to see you on Friday evening and I would like to meet some of your friends.
Me: But…
Theresa: We’ll talk about it tonight?
Me: You always do this…
Theresa: What?
Me: Back me into a corner and make it impossible for me to say no.
Theresa: You can say no if you want to.
Me: I don’t really want to.
Theresa: I know…

And then she kissed me. In my office. And it wasn’t just a peck on the cheek. And later that day I went to dinner at her house. And we kissed and made up some more. And it looks like she’s coming to my party on Saturday. I guess at the time I couldn’t think of a valid argument not to invite her. But it’s not going to be an official housewarming party, it’s just going to be Helen, Mona and Steve coming over for drinks. And Ben of course, but he lives there. It will be a bit of a strange night, I think…

Thursday November 27, 2008

Today Theresa is probably still slightly angry with me. I can imagine that my negative response to her booty call last night was not what she wanted to hear but I don’t care enough to be upset about it. Frankly, if that’s the way it’s going to be (she calls all the shots and I just say yes) then I’m walking away. She called me at work yesterday and asked if I could spare a little time for her in the evening but I had dance class and matchmaking plans afterwards so I truthfully replied that I would have to decline. The thing with people who are always used to getting what they want because of their power, their status, their wealth or their good looks in Theresa’s case, is that they simply can’t take No for an answer. But that’s really not my problem. I am rather surprised about how less I care about it though. She’s not Nikki, that’s probably why.

This just in: an e-mail from Theresa. In summary she says that she needed someone to talk to last night and that’s why she insisted I’d come over. She also asks if “she can count on me tonight?” I think my reply will be: is that what you meant when you said “no strings attached”? I’m seeing her later this afternoon at this big work do, it should be interesting. God, this is getting way too messy already. I guess it’s simply not possible for two women to just have s*x (and the occasional dinner) and nothing else (aka drama).

I don’t have much time for blogging today because I have to go to the aforementioned work thing, but I can still quickly tell you that as far as my Ben-And-Steve-Project is concerned, there is hope. Last night after Steve left Ben said that ‘he wasn’t so bad after all’ and ‘I should bring him along more often’. That’s good right? Of course, it could also have been generic small talk, but Ben’s not really the type for that, at least not in conversation with me anyway. We’ll see. But I consider Step One successful. Maybe I’ll arrange for something (like Step Two) this weekend…

Wednesday November 26, 2008

(I don't like the cover very much though.)

Today I want to tell you about ‘Landing’, the book I already mentioned once before. I finished reading it this weekend when I was on my retreat with Ben and as a lesbian I find that it is my duty to tell other lesbians that it’s possibly the best book about lesbians I’ve ever read. Yes, you can take that as advice. (And if you feel so inclined you’re very welcome to give me some advice back.) It’s about a long-distance relationship between an Irish stewardess of almost 40 years old and a Canadian museum archivist of 25 years old and it is absolutely beautiful. I won’t tell you how it ends of course but it’s not really about the ending anyway, it’s about the difficulties that come with having a girlfriend that lives on the other side of the world. You may have guessed that it really spoke to me. And I really wish there were some more truly great lesbian novels out there. But you know, we’ve always been underrepresented. I guess we’re used to it by now. Also, I’m sure I read some other truly great lesbian novels before (back in the day when I wasn’t semi-middle aged yet) but I guess I forgot about them (early dementia, I guess). Either way, if you like some good old dramatic (and romantic) lesbian fiction I suggest you read it. Oh, and thank you Emma Donoghue for giving me some joy in these dark desolate times. (And my wonderful mother for knowing me so well and sending it to me.)

I decided not to reply to Nikki’s e-mail. Last night I had a long heart-to-heart with Helen and the conclusion was that I need to move on. Looking back is not a good thing to do in this situation and I’m the kind of person who really needs to break contact (at least for a while anyway) to move on. And I’m sure Nikki will understand. To my surprise Helen didn’t frown upon what I was doing with Theresa, she’s usually the type to frown on things like that, but not this time. Maybe because I’m never serious when I talk about Theresa. It’s good not to be too serious all the time, especially not about sleeping with straight middle-aged woman you (indirectly) work for. It is odd (and strangely exciting) though, I went to see Theresa with my boss yesterday to go over some work stuff and I wouldn’t say she was mean to me but I wouldn’t describe it as kind either. I guess I’d better not tell my boss then (unless I really want to piss her off some time). When my boss and I had left she sent me a text saying: “I’m not sorry because I know you get off on it.” She’s not wrong.

Helen was a bit more sceptical about my other distraction project (setting up Ben and Steve) though. I guess she was right when she said that Steve would never go for someone as ‘pretty’ as Ben (he has kind of a strange taste in men) and Ben would never go for someone as sane and accomplished as Steve (he likes to be in control and ‘nurture’ his boyfriends). I do wonder why they have to make it so hard on themselves though. But Helen’s pessimism hasn’t made me give up. It wouldn’t be a distraction project if it wasn’t a challenge now, would it? My first step is to get them to spend a little bit of time alone, so tonight I’m bringing Steve home with me after dance class and then I’m going to have Helen call me with an emergency problem that only I can solve. (I’m still thinking about that one though because there aren’t really that many things that only I can help her with.) (It will have to be ladies business.) I am however very glad that Helen managed to put her cynicism aside and decided to help me scheme. Some things (like getting two gay guys to fall for each other) are too much for one lesbian to bear.

To be continued…

Tuesday November 25, 2008

Today I received an e-mail from Nikki. I guess we never formally agreed to break all contact, I just took it for granted that I wouldn’t hear from her again. I certainly wasn’t planning on writing her after she left (because I was hoping for an Out Of Sight Out Of Mind Effect). But for some reason she wanted to send me an e-mail. I don’t hold it against her; after all I wrote her a letter last week. But you know, there’s Before and After Departure and I was under the false impression that different rules apply. Her e-mail wasn’t just a note to tell me that she arrived well either. It actually showed a totally different side of her. It was full of apologies for leaving me, for choosing her career over me and for not trying harder. I guess she’s having a bit of a hard time. Which is understandable when you’ve just arrived in a strange country far away from your friends and family. I had always expected that the excitement would win it from the melancholy. But there you go. I don’t know if I should reply. The self-preservation side of me says No but it feels so heartless to not write back. Then again, I’m semi-middle aged now and I know that sometimes you have to be unkind to save yourself. It sounds so dramatic, I know. But life is dramatic. It so is.

In other news, Theresa called me yesterday afternoon. She asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her. She said (and I quote): “I’m in my midlife crisis and you’re heartbroken, maybe I can be the distraction you need and you can be the distraction I need. I’ll give you an hour to think about it.” I called Ben, because that’s what I do when I get indecent proposals, I call Ben. Ben is of course rather fond of Theresa and her direct ways and I knew that he would advise me to go to dinner with her. Maybe that’s another reason why I called him. An hour later instead of ringing me, Theresa knocked on my office door. She said (and I quote again): “I thought it would be much harder for you to refuse my offer if you had to do it in person. Is seven o’clock OK?”

So last night I went to dinner with Theresa. I don’t expect anything from her but I do know that she’s good company. And she can get my mind off Nikki, maybe because I totally don’t associate her with Nikki. Most of my friends (the ones I lean on anyway) met Nikki and (sometimes) when I see them I see Nikki. But when I see Theresa I don’t see Nikki at all. I say that’s a good thing. What I also like about Theresa is that she’s clear about what she wants; she says it like it is and leaves no room for confusion. That’s exactly what I need right now. In her own twisted way she’s very honest. She says things like: “You can be my younger lesbian bit on the side and I can be your transition person. No strings attached.” The way things are right now, I’m actually fine with that. Even though I stated earlier that I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be sleeping with her anymore. But a girl can change her mind, can’t she? That’s what I was thinking while I was at dinner with Theresa last night anyway. At first I was saying to myself: “She can pull whatever trick she wants, I am not going home with her.” But I quickly succumbed and she didn’t even have to try very hard. Hey, it beats sleeping alone (it’s not as if I sleep much these days anyway).

And let’s just say that this time it was much more pleasurable than last time. I don’t know, there’s just something about sleeping with someone who comes frightfully close to being double your age. Anyway, I feel some self-censorship coming up here. I think I’ll stop here.

Monday November 24, 2008

Today Nikki’s gone. She’s been gone since Saturday but today is the first blogging day since she left. She’s been so ever-present on this blog; I don’t know what I will write about next. I also don’t know if I can take much more dyke drama, it’s been quite a bumpy road the past few months. And what did it all amount to? Absolutely nothing… The woman I’m in love with is gone, erased from my life, like she never even existed. But that’s how I wanted it. I guess that’s what hurts the most.

I did hear from Nikki before she took off though. Friday afternoon I had a package delivered at work. It was a box with all sorts of cat stuff inside it: toys, trays, a comb, a basket etc. And a note that said: “For Fred and Ginger and for treating you so awful on our first date when my cat had just died. I’m sorry (for everything). Love, Nikki.” I know how that may sound too brief as a goodbye to your (ex-)girlfriend but Nikki’s not over-emotional (and elaborate) like me. It’s just her way of saying goodbye. And this time goodbye is really goodbye. Exit Nikki. F*ck F*ck F*ck.

Also on Friday Theresa showed up at my flat. I can’t say I was expecting her. She said that she had given me the cold shoulder in the meeting because it was absolutely imperative that no one at work found out about us. But she thought I could use some moral support now that Nikki was actually leaving. I interpreted it as “I know you’re a mess, I sympathize, let’s get drunk and sleep with each other again.” Life is all about what is said between the lines, right? We did get drunk, but I didn’t sleep with her. S*x (with Theresa, or anyone who isn’t Nikki) was the last thing on my mind. I was just so sad. Break-ups are always sad but at least when you break up with someone because (let’s say, just e.g.) (of course) someone cheated, or someone fell in love with someone else, or it just isn’t working anymore… well, at least then you’ve had a chance to try, a chance to make it work. At least then you know that that person isn’t the one for you. But when you separate because one of you is skipping town and starting a new life elsewhere, well, that’s just heart-wrenching. Because, even though you may feel that you don’t have a choice, you don’t know what you’re letting go… And it may well be the love of your life…

It’s just something I’ll have to learn to live with. But right now, at this very moment, on this dreaded first Monday Post Nikki, I feel so awful, so empty, so foolish… Right now it feels like I’ll never get over it. Everybody tells me I will and even I know that I will. But it just doesn’t feel like that right now. Oh well. I’ll bounce back. I’ve bounced back so many times.

It’s a good thing I have some lovely friends. As I had expected Ben took me to a Spa Hotel this weekend. It was as much fun as it could be. I love Ben and I especially love how he is always always always there for me, but getting my entire backside massaged by some woman well, it seemed like a splendid idea at the time but it just made me cry (a lot) (which was rather embarrassing). Although after I had the massage and I was sobbing some more in Ben’s arms I told him that this was not how it was going to be all weekend. But it was. Of course it was. (But Ben said I could cry in his arms as much as I wanted to, after all he was the one who set me up with Nikki.) (I did tell him that introducing me to Nikki was one of the best things he ever did.)

But things will get better. I’ll just distract myself until it stops hurting this much. When I was in the sauna this weekend I started thinking about relationships and friends and more specifically about two of my very best friends Ben and Steve (my dance partner). And how it has always been my dream that they would end up together. I see it as a distraction project. They’ve never been that fond of each other (and they’re both not really long-term relationship guys) (and very high-maintenance) but lately they seem to have been warming up to each other, in the sense that they ask me about each other. I know them both very well and sometimes as the lesbian friend in between you just have to step up and do something. It may well end up as a disaster but there’s just something (I can’t quite put my finger on it yet) that tells me that it won’t be. I’ll keep you posted.

Distraction is good.

Friday November 21, 2008

Today is Nikki’s last day in the country and tonight is her last night. She’s having a goodbye party later today but I won’t be there. I try not to care but that’s kind of impossible. I did go and see her last night though. Who was I trying to fool by pretending I didn’t want to see her one last time? (Myself, I know.) After work I took a deep breath and walked over to her flat to deliver my emo package personally. I also wanted to say a real goodbye. I was armed with my letter and an (admittedly) overly dramatic mixtape (you can download it after the jump below) just in case the speech I had planned to give her came out all wrong or didn’t come out of my mouth at all…

I was pretty nervous when I rang her bell and I started to have actual heart palpitations when not Nikki but her mother answered the door. She told me that Nikki wasn’t home as she was taking care of a few last-minute things. She did invite me in though. I declined. The last thing I felt like was some artificial conversation with Nikki’s Stepford Mum. So I just gave her the package and asked her to give it to Nikki when she got back. (Quite the anti-climax, I know.) On my way home I was hoping that reading my letter would make Nikki decide to do something, like come over to my place later. Against better judgement of course. I stayed in all night (despite knowing better) just in case she would make an unlikely last-minute appearance. She didn’t. I haven’t heard anything from her yet. I understand, but it does sadden me. A lot. Then again, it was a goodbye letter. And what comes after goodbye?

It’s just that now that we’ve entered the last 24 hours before her departure I’m crumbling, and I’m crumbling fast. I even thought about making a dramatic appearance at her very last going away party tonight but I don’t want to crash her party. I don’t want to be the crazy ex-girlfriend who can’t make up her mind about what she wants to do. I keep repeating in my head: “I don’t want to do long-distance. I don’t want to do long-distance.” But yes, I’m having serious second thoughts now. But I know it’s too late. It’s over. She’ll be gone tomorrow. She’ll start a new life and I can start mine again.

I suppose I’ll just get insanely drunk tonight. Talking about drinking; I had a meeting with Theresa (and some other people) this morning. She is one cool cucumber. Not a hint, not a glance, nothing more than a purely professional smile… But I don’t care; right now I don’t really want to deal with Theresa anyway. I’ll deal with her when I have to and I may never have to if that’s the way she plays it. It’s absolutely fine by me.

Last night Ben suggested we’d go away for the weekend. So I wouldn’t have to be in the city the moment Nikki leaves it. I hadn’t thought about it that way yet, but I guess it makes sense. I’m supposed to let him know my decision this afternoon and if I agreed he would arrange everything. He’ll probably take me to some country spa hotel, that would be totally his style. I actually wouldn’t mind getting pampered for a couple of days. (And Helen and Mona can feed the cats.) I’m extremely inclined to take him up on his offer.

I feel so bad right now; I need something to snap me out of it.

Thursday November 20, 2008

Today I don’t really know what I should do. Last night I wrote Nikki a letter, a goodbye letter. I can’t just let her take off without any form of contact. And I don’t think seeing her would be a good idea. Seeing as writing has always been something that has kept me sort of sane over the years, I wrote her a letter. Not an e-mail, but a real letter on real paper. I didn’t write it by hand though, I have the most appalling hand-writing (and no one can read it anyway). I know, as far as a romantic gestures go a printed letter has its limits. I’m well aware of that, but I simply don’t write by hand anymore, I’m a child of my time like that.

So I made her a mix tape. When all else fails, say it with music. (My dad taught me that actually.) As I was going old school already with the letter I burnt the songs I chose to express my feelings with on a proper CD. I have the letter and the CD here with me in a package but now I don’t really know what I should do with it. I can’t (snail) mail it because it would arrive too late, so my only options are dropping it off at her place in person (she lives pretty close to my office so I could easily do it after work), get it delivered to her by messenger, or send it to her new address across the Atlantic. Or do nothing. But that’s not really my style. I believe in dramatic gestures, I believe that in all their silliness and overstatedness they help us cope. Well, they help me cope anyway. And it so happens that I’m in dire need of some serious coping assistance at the moment.

I’ve decided to copy the letter here (it’s only my own privacy I’m invading) since there’s actually nothing in it that I haven’t written on here before. Read and weep.

Dear Nikki,

Remember September 20th, that Friday evening two months ago when we met on that dreadful blind date? I know that we agreed that we would never mention it again but I can’t help thinking about it from time to time because if it weren’t for that blind date we would never have met. I refuse to think that would have been a good thing. Apart from that first date, I’ve enjoyed every single moment I spent with you. You know by now that I’m the impulsive type but when I met you I knew that what I felt was more than just a fleeting crush on a pretty face. I fell so hard for you and I couldn’t believe my luck when you kissed me for the first time. You are truly one of the kindest, smartest and funniest people I’ve ever met. The last week I’ve been kicking myself for letting you go. Every possible scenario that we went through popped up in my head again. But I know better than to go down that road again. I guess I just wanted to say goodbye. Properly. Not like last week when there was all this acute pain keeping us from doing it well. If there even exists a way of doing it well…

I’ve been debating in my head whether I should write you this but ever since you told me that you were leaving I’ve been dreaming of a way for it not to be true. I know you deserve it, I know you work hard and it’s always been your dream to move overseas but I’ve never been able to be truly happy for you. Because how could I ever be happy with you leaving me? And I won’t make false claims about my feelings towards your pending move, but I do want you to know that I hope it will work out for you over there. I won’t go as far as to say that I hope you meet a great Yankee woman who will sweep you of your feet (although I’m sure that you will), but I do wish you well. For all the kindness you have in you, you really deserve to be happy in every domain of life.

I will never forget the tingling feeling I got when I heard you refer to me as ‘your girlfriend’ for the first time. I felt so privileged then. It hurts that I will from now on be referred to as your ex-girlfriend, but we made a choice and we have to bear the consequences. That’s life. And I’m very grateful I got to spend a tiny bit of my life with you. You now have a whole new life waiting for you; I think you also know that that was what I was afraid of the most. All the brand new experiences and encounters that are waiting for you ‘on the other side’; it scared me to death that I couldn’t be there to share them with you.

Maybe this letter is a bit too formal and it certainly doesn’t come close to capturing all the emotions I would want it to, but a letter is all I have to offer at this time. I know you understand that. You always understood me so well.

I love you,

Me