Just checking in to let you know I’ve been out with a rather nasty stomach bug. It started on Tuesday afternoon and yesterday I didn’t leave Nikki’s bed except for well, I don’t want to be too graphic about it so let’s just say hugging the toilet. Today I’m slowly recovering and regaining consciousness. I don’t really have a choice but to get better quickly because tomorrow a moving van will show up at my flat and will take all my belongings to my new flat. I look forward to moving, I don’t look forward to cleaning my old flat though. But you know, a lesbian’s gotta do what a lesbian’s gotta do. I’m expecting to be offline until I go back to work on Tuesday. And I still haven’t told you about E-mail Girl. And about how Ben and I decided to adopt kittens. But don’t worry, I’ll be back next week to tell you all about it. Of course.
Tuesday October 28, 2008
Today I don’t really feel like anything. So I just made another mixtape. You can download it here.
01. Make Your Own Kind Of Music – The Mamas & The Papas
02. And So I Pray – Jem
03. Sugar Man – Rodriguez
04. Love Hurts – Gram Parsons
05. The Diver – Gravenhurst
06. I Believe In You – Lambchop
07. Pearl – The Folk Implosion
08. Now I Know – Theresa Andersson
09. Acid Tongue – Jenny Lewis
10. Sweet Darlin’ – She & Him
11. When Under Ether – PJ Harvey
12. Apples – My Brightest Diamond
13. In The City – Chromatics
14. The Richest Man In Babylon – Thievery Corporation
15. Council Estate – Tricky
16. True Blue – Madonna
PS You can download the previous one here.
Monday October 27, 2008
Today I find myself at the beginning of a full but exciting week. Next weekend I’m moving and I’ll be taking next Friday and Monday off from work to handle everything and settle in properly. I’ll be half-living with Nikki as I’ve already packed up most of my stuff and it’s much cozier to spend the night in a fully furnished flat. And Nikki lives ridiculously close to where I work. And of course it’s all just a great excuse to spend as much time together as possible (and shacking up).
Also, this afternoon I’m meeting E-mail Girl for the first time. I dare say I find that to be a rather exciting prospect. But let me reflect on the weekend first, the weekend that will forever go down as the weekend I met Nikki’s mother. I understand now why she doesn’t talk about her mother that much but meeting her was interesting to say the least. Nikki’s mother invited us to dinner at some posh country club. At first I was quite impressed by the surroundings but (being the TV addict that I am) I watch Desperate Housewives and I know a Bree Van de Kamp when I see one.
Nikki’s mother really struck me as a person to which real emotions are much less important than what people may think of her. I honestly couldn’t see Nikki in her at all (I’m just guessing she takes after her father). Also, as the night progressed she seemed to be downing the wine more easily, let’s just say we left before it got too embarrassing. The conversation went alright but it was all so superficial. I did see flashes of love and pride in her eyes when she looked at her daughter though, which kind of made me feel relieved. The dinner went rather well, but the atmosphere wasn’t always as easy as I would have liked it to be. I guess the best way to describe Nikki’s mom is as a bit ‘uptight’.
On our way back Nikki asked me what I thought about her mother and I said that she seemed like a rather nice, albeit somewhat flawed person (but who isn’t?) She said that she thought it important for me to meet her mother to get an idea of where she comes from (she can get serious like that sometimes). I wanted to dig a bit deeper but Nikki then made it quite clear that was all she was going to say about her mother. Which was actually fine by me because I don’t really know how to deal with a situation like that. I know that she’s estranged from her father, but that’s all she’s ever said about him. I think it’s all a bit of a sore subject. I do understand why she wanted me to meet her mother though. But the contrast with my parents was rather striking.
I’ve always known that being born my parents’ child was the greatest luck I’d ever have. I couldn’t have dreamt them any better; they’ve always been so understanding, loving and non-judgmental. And they’ve always made it very clear to my brother and me that there’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings (and being ‘different’). I may be semi-middle aged but my mum is usually still the first person I call when something’s up. I honestly believe she’s the best mum in the world.
Somehow I doubt Nikki feels that way about her mother.
Friday October 24, 2008
Today I’m a little nervous. Nikki and I had a long talk last night because it was time to stop beating about the bush. When you find yourself in a situation like ours, decisions need to be made. Well, the only question that needs to be answered really is: how will it end? And while it’s true that we have options, I’m not that keen on exploring them. Nikki however seemed to be quite taken with the idea of a long distance relationship.
It’s not that I’m not willing to try it; it’s just that I don’t really believe in it. It may work for some but I know myself. I’m very much a here-and-now kind of person and I can’t go months without seeing my girlfriend. I can hardly go two days without seeing my girlfriend; I’m that kind of lesbian. But I will give it a go, simply because I won’t have a choice. I mean, I’m hardly going to be able to pretend she never existed once she boarded the plane, will I? Somehow Nikki really managed to get under my skin and I know I won’t be able to just flip the switch and move on. And rather than send her e-mails in which I say that I wish we were still together I just feel like I owe it to her and to us to at least try and stay together, even if it’s thousands of miles apart. This doesn’t mean I’m not realistic about it however. But then again, this is romance we’re talking about here so a leap of faith is required sometimes…
So why am I nervous today? Well, Nikki wants me to meet her mother (her parents are divorced) tonight. She wants to show me that she’s taking our affair seriously and that’s her way of doing it (I also think she’s feeling pretty bad about leaving me a month earlier than planned so she’s trying to make me feel better with some grand gestures). I am curious to meet her mother but meeting a girlfriend’s parents has always been a pretty stressy affair for me. I haven’t got Nikki’s super charming personality so I have thoughts like ‘will I be good enough?’ running through my head. Also, Nikki doesn’t really talk about her parents a whole lot so it’s all a bit of a mystery. And yes, it’s all going really quick with meeting the parents and all, but we are in the midst of an (impossible) race against time here. Nikki assured me I had nothing to worry about, but she would say that of course. I’ll keep you posted.
Tomorrow I will be packing up my belongings all day long, Nikki and some friends are coming over to help me so I don’t think I will have the time or the opportunity to blog. On Sunday I’m planning a love-in at Nikki’s flat (because my place will be mostly wrapped in boxes by then) so I guess I’ll be back on Monday. Although this is the last weekend I’ll be spending in my old flat and I have to say goodbye properly, so (blog) opportunity may come a-knocking anyway…
Thursday October 23, 2008
Today is a sh*t day. Why? Well, I wasn’t supposed to see Nikki last night because I had dance class with Steve (we learned to Tango) and I was going to hang with Steve a bit afterwards and then go home. But last night after work Nikki called me and asked if she could see me, she wanted to talk to me about something as quickly as possible and she didn’t want to discuss it over the phone. (God, I hate messages like that.) Expecting the worst, I agreed and we met at my place after class.
And then Nikki told me something I really did not want to hear. Her bosses have ‘asked’ her if she could start her new job overseas in December instead of January next year, so one month earlier than planned. She gave me a whole explanation why it made sense and while I do understand her position and the pressure she’s under to say Yes once again, it’s not cool. I had the idea in my head that I was going to celebrate New Year’s Eve with her and that was going to be our goodbye. I know that it sounds kind of silly to fixate my thoughts on an event like that, but that’s just how I’ve been coping with the situation. But for our brief time together to be shortened like that with a whole month, you know, that’s just a really harsh reality check. Deep down I knew that what we were doing (dating against the clock) was crazy but in life there’s what you see and what you want to see.
So, we have about one month left together, one month in which I have to pack and move to my new flat which means I’m going to be rather busy in my spare time which in turn means Nikki and I have even less time together. She said she’d help me pack and I gladly accepted her offer but I did warn her that I may not be able to help her pack because it would be emotionally too burdening for me. She said that she completely understood. Nikki is so sweet, she has completely opened up and there is absolutely no sign of that non-responding woman I went on a blind date with a good month ago. We’ve been moving fast the past couple of weeks (except for that one week break) and I really like Nikki’s company. It has all become so easy already. But I do realize that’s probably because we have so little time.
While I don’t regret getting back together with Nikki, I do remember why my initial reaction was to break it off as soon as it was certain she was leaving. It hurts. It’s as simple as that. I’m madly in love with Nikki, I love how she seems to understand me and how we already seem to be so in sync after such a short period of time, I love how she charmed my parents, I even love how she plays me sometimes but most of all I love waking up next to her. There’s nothing like waking up next to someone you’re truly in love with. I guess I had forgotten how wonderful that can be. I hate that she’s leaving. And the thought has crossed my mind, maybe we should do that long distance relationship kind of thing. But I don’t know. It feels more like prolonging the life of something that’s dead already. She’s not moving to the other side of the world for a couple of months or even a year, we’re talking indefinite here. I’ve even thought about following her but isn’t it crazy to give up everything for someone you (let’s be honest here) just met?
I’m moving in with Ben next week (thank God for that, BTW), I’ve only been in my new job for a couple of weeks, I’ve got great friends here and I don’t have to get on a plane to see my family. All of these things mean a lot to me. And frankly, I’m just not that crazy. It’s going to be inevitable. In about a month the big pond is going to break us up.
But I’ve done heart ache before, I’m good at it. You’ll see.
Wednesday October 22, 2008
Today I realized that just because Nikki and I are now happily dating (while we ignore the relentless ticking of the clock) , that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t keep my options open as she will, after all, be leaving rather shortly. This thought came to me this morning while I was sending an e-mail to E-mail Girl. E-mail Girl is new to this blog so let me introduce her. She’s actually just a woman I’ve been e-mailing with a lot lately because of a project at work. I haven’t met her, I have spoken to her on the phone a couple of times but we mainly e-mail. Mostly work-related e-mails just give you information or instructions, sometimes there’s a smiley or a funny remark, but it’s work. It’s not supposed to be too much fun because well, it’s work. But the e-mails I get from E-mail Girl are different and I find myself replying to them differently as well. I also find myself looking forward to her mails and when I don’t receive a reply to one of my e-mails within the next fifteen minutes I start worrying. And of course in this day and age it should come as no surprise that I know what she looks like, even though I haven’t met her yet (Google is one of my best friends). But I will be meeting her soon as we have a face-to-face meeting planned next Monday.
Not that E-mail Girl has any influence on my affair with Nikki because it doesn’t mean anything. All we’re doing is sending harmless work-related e-mails (with some innuendo) and it keeps my mind of Nikki’s pending move. Distraction is my new way of dealing. It’s just that I’ve seen her picture and I was getting quite the Power Dyke vibe from it. I don’t think I have officially outed myself on this subject on here before, but I love me some Power Dyke (hence my Bette Porter Fascination), a lesbian in a (pant)suit will always make me swoon. (I’m sure there’s some psychological explanation for it but I’m frankly not that interested in psychology.) (But maybe I should be.) This is actually also one of the reasons why I wanted Nikki so badly because she is the Queen of the Pantsuit. So yes, I’m quite looking forward to my meeting with E-mail Girl because I’m quite curious to finally see her in the (hopefully fully suited) flesh.
But the point I actually wanted to make with this post is not that I’m keeping my options open (because I’m fully hooked on Nikki), the point is that I love Power Dykes and I like to see myself as just that. But then again, the term ’Power Dyke’ is just another way of labeling ourselves. Alex raised an interesting point on her blog last week with her post about labels. Just like Alex I mainly identify as “a woman who loves to love women”, I don’t see myself as butch and I don’t see myself as femme or anything else in between. And while I do believe that the butch-femme dynamic is about so much more than labels, it’s not for me. I’m just a lesbian. I clearly remember one of my first girlfriends saying to me: “I just love how at the same time you’re so feminine and yet so masculine.” And isn’t that what a pantsuit does to women? It gives them a manly touch without taking away the femininity. Personally I’ve never really been interested in super-feminine or more masculine women. I like a good mixture of the two and for me those two things come together best in what I like to call The Power Dyke. But you know, that’s just me.
I never wear skirts though. Never.
Tuesday October 21, 2008
Today (which is long overdue, I know) I will be responding to my very first meme, I’m so proud. Of course when Alex tags me, I jump (albeit not that quickly, drama tends to get in the way of speed) because she is The Commenter Par Excellence on Dyke Tales and I should honour her for that.
So, the rules are:
1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog – some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
Weird and random facts you say? Not a problem (since I seem to be of the over-sharing persuasion anyway)…
1. Sometimes I stay late at work (and wait until everyone has gone home) just because I feel like doing a Bette Porter impersonation in my office (because at home it just isn’t the same).
2. English is not my first language but ever since I became a TV addict (when I was 4) (in my teens) I’ve wanted to adopt The Official Language Of TV as my own.
3. All I ever wanted to be is a pop star, sadly I can’t sing. And while I know that there are actually many pop stars that can’t sing I never wanted to be that kind of pop star. I have my standards.
4. Up until the age of 12 I was very gender confused, I actually thought I was a boy. But then my boobs started growing and I was happy to finally have found some clarity in my life. I haven’t looked back since (nor have my boobs, they just kept on growing).
5. I hate cleaning so much that I sometimes don’t clean my flat for months weeks, but over the years I’ve become very good at making it look clean without it actually being clean. (I guess that’s just one of my many talents.)
6. When I was 6 I almost died. (At least that’s how I remember it.) I seem to recall some kid pushing me into the deep end of the pool and I couldn’t swim yet. I don’t know if my memory is right but I vividly recall gravitating towards the bottom of the pool. All I could see was light blue water and naked legs. Just as I was about to be out of breath my dad pulled me out. My dad is my hero. (I may be overdramatizing this fact though but this is how my memory chose to remember it.)
7. I think I’m in TV love with Cherie Lunghi. She’s 56.
Seeing as I’m a bit late with this every dyke blogger (and who else would I tag?) has probably already been tagged by now. If you read this and you feel inspired, consider yourself tagged!
