Tuesday September 30, 2008

Today is my last day in my current job. But I don’t want to blog about work. I’ve actually been a very bad employee the last two days (not deserving of that promotion at all) because I haven’t really been able to focus on the tasks at hand. All I can think about is Nikki. About how I’m probably scoring way out of my league but how that makes it all feel even better. I’ve actually not only been a bad employee, I’ve also been a pretty awful colleague. Last night I couldn’t wait to see Nikki and where I normally would’ve spent the night drinking and socializing with my work mates I just didn’t have the patience yesterday. So I quickly downed a few drinks, made a short and uninspired speech, hugged some people and took off while making silent promises to somehow make it up to them. And even though I know I should feel at least slightly bad about it it’s as if all my emotions are only geared towards feeling things concerning Nikki and nothing else. Maybe I’m obsessed but I’m not sure because I don’t think I’ve ever been obsessed before so I can’t really tell from experience.

As soon as I got out of the pub I called Nikki (I already have her on speed dial) and it turns out that she only lives about a five minute walk from where I work. So she asked me to come over to her place and somewhere in my mind I had planned to at least get a few words out of her as to why she suddenly seems so interested in me. But she didn’t give me a chance. She had me stripped naked in seconds. I was barely inside her flat and she was already all over me. It was kind of crazy. (Actually it all rather seemed like a booty call to me.)

She didn’t invite me to stay, I wouldn’t have stayed if she had asked but the fact is that she didn’t ask. It’s not as if she kicked me out but she did make it clear that I wasn’t to overstay my welcome. Or maybe I’m reading it all wrong. It’s possible because this kind of obsession is rather new to me. The reason why I call it obsession rather than mutual infatuation (or just s*x) is that this whole Nikki thing seems to have taken me over completely. When I meet someone I like I usually have enough sanity left to get me through every day life. It feels a bit odd, from the moment I met her I was insanely attracted to her while she obviously didn’t feel anything of the kind. And yet here we are. I can hardly call it dating so I’ll just call it being not-even-friends with lots of benefits. We will however be going out on a date tomorrow evening but I doubt we’ll get much talking and getting to know each other done as we’re going to the classical concert work thing. My guess is that as soon as it’s done she’ll drag me to her place, have her way with me and I’ll just go back to my flat.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything at all against, you know, getting lucky with Nikki. But what are we doing? I don’t want it to just be that. I want to know why she disliked me when we met, I want to know why she doesn’t want to talk, and I want a blind date rematch. I guess I’ll have to wait a while to find out. But I’m not complaining, I would be crazy to complain. Maybe I am crazy. I don’t know, she just makes me feel out of sorts and I guess that’s how you’re supposed to feel when you start falling in love with someone but it’s just not the same as all those other times I fell in love.

Obsession, it can’t be good.

Monday September 29, 2008

Today, unlike other Mondays, I don’t care if it’s Monday. I almost don’t care that I have to say goodbye to the people I’ve been working very closely with the past year (on Wednesday I transfer to another department to start in a new position). I’m taking them out tonight after work for farewell (and promotion celebratory) drinks, although I’m actually only moving a couple of floors up. Actually I do care that I won’t be seeing them every day again, but it’s not as if I’m not used to saying goodbye. It comes with craving change.

Of course the reason that my usual Monday depression isn’t getting to me today is Nikki. The thought of her chatting away with my friends, of her kissing me, even the thought of her smoking just fills me with all sorts of ridiculously joyful feelings… and I thought I had it bad when I met K., but compared to the bolts of lightning that course through my body at the mere thought of Nikki the limp butterflies I felt when dating K. might as well have been born dead. I know, I shouldn’t exaggerate like that but I don’t care. All I care about is when I can see Nikki again. I don’t even have any of my usual doubts; somehow I just know that she will want to see me again. She may have left abruptly on Saturday night, but the smile she shot me upon kissing me goodbye told me a lot of things. It also left me wanting more, lots more.

I’m also curious about why she all of a sudden decided to kiss me. Maybe the champagne had something to do with it, but that can’t be the only explanation. (It must have been my irresistible charm.) So I asked Ben to give me her number (seeing as he arranged our blind date he has phone access to Nikki). I have already memorized the number, I don’t know, it felt like I had nothing better to do. Ben said that he gave Oliver my number as well to pass on to Nikki. Maybe I want her to call me first… but I guess I’m too old for the ‘who calls who first game’. Maybe I should just call her now; it is lunch time after all. Actually that sounds like a plan and it would also be like live blogging. Or something.

*Excuse me while I make a call.*

[a couple of minutes later]

Because it’s still fresh in my head I can give you a full transcript of our conversation (right now I’m also making a mental note to tell Nikki about this blog as soon as ‘the time is right’ – which may very well be never):

Nikki: Hello, Nikki [surname] speaking.
Me:Hi Nikki, it’s Miss Dyke Tales.
Nikki: Oh hi, how are you?
Me: I’m fine thank you. Did you get home alright on Saturday night?
Nikki: I did. Ollie e-mailed me your number this morning. I was planning on calling you later today.
Me (heart skipping a beat): Well, it looks like I beat you to it. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get together some time this week?
Nikki: I would love that, how about tonight?
Me: I’ve got a work thing tonight, but it shouldn’t take super long. Although I might be slightly intoxicated.
Nikki: I like it when you’re intoxicated.
Me: Because you can take advantage of me?
Nikki: That’s one of the reasons, yeah.
Me: *giggling like a schoolgirl*
Nikki: Call me when your work thing is done and we’ll take it from there?
Me: OK
Nikki: Great.
Me: See you tonight.
Nikki: Bye.

I don’t think I’ll get any more work done this afternoon.

Sunday September 28, 2008

Today there is no more K. in my head, no more Laura, only Nikki. Last night was a success (or maybe I should call it a triumph). Ben, Oliver, Helen, Mona and Nikki (I would have asked more people but my flat is simply too small to comfortably accommodate more than six people) (luckily that will change in November) arrived between 9 and 10PM and I had made sure there was enough of the drink that makes even the grumpiest people amongst us happy: champagne. And Nikki showed yet another side of herself. She was totally relaxed, she was smiling a lot, telling funny stories… it really seemed like she had come to have a good time. And there was no sign of her previous cold and distant behaviour. And if I had already found her seriously attractive when she didn’t give me any attention, you can imagine what my reaction was when she actually started being nice to me. I had to ask Ben if he could confirm that she was slightly flirting with me. He confirmed. I even think that, as the evening progressed, Helen and Mona started falling in love with her.

All the while I was trying to figure out her change of behaviour though and when she went to hang out of my kitchen window to smoke ‘a weekend cigarette’ I asked her. I told her that I was a bit confused because only last week she had looked at me like she would rather walk on hot coals than see me again and now she was here, in my flat, having fun with me and my friends like we had known each other for ages (when you’re 32 and you have no time to waste it’s best to not beat about the bush too much). Her answer will stay etched in my memory forever (because I will repeat it in my head over and over again); she didn’t say anything but she looked me straight in the eyes while putting her cigarette in the ashtray, she stepped forward in my direction, cupped my head with her hands, and kissed me. Just like that. When she was done locking her lips with mine she gave me an insanely sexy smile, remained silent and went back into the living room.

I was even more confused after that. It was already rather late by then and I don’t think anyone was even remotely sober at that point. Soon after The Secret Kitchen Kiss Helen and Mona went home and let’s just say that I wasn’t the only one on a mission that night. Oliver had been wooing Ben all night and I don’t think they had plans of going their separate ways after leaving my flat. As everyone except Nikki was preparing to leave she said she’d just have one more cigarette before taking off herself. So I couldn’t get the others out of the door quickly enough because I understood the code and I wanted some more kitchen kissing action before she started on another fag. (I am the epitome of anti-smoking, I don’t just hate it I actually despise it. So yeah, it was kind of ironic that that heavenly first kiss was actually the result of Nikki going for a smoke. If I could I would hate smokers as well but seeing as I do want a social life it’s kind of hard to hate everybody who smokes, I even let people smoke in my flat but only if they follow my strict rules of always holding the cigarette out of the window and never blowing smoke inside. I won’t go off on an anti-smoking rant because there are more important things to write about at the moment but I can tell you that I have never smoked and I will never understand why people do it because it is so completely and utterly disgusting.)

So I followed Nikki into the kitchen again and she was leaning against the sink (she wasn’t smoking, but I wouldn’t have cared anymore anyway), waiting for me. She held her finger upright in front of her lips as if to say “don’t speak”, but I had no intention of wasting a lot of words anyway. She kissed me again and again and again and not just on my lips and we didn’t leave the kitchen for quite a while. (That had never happened to me in my – or any – kitchen before but from now on I will see that room in a totally different light.) Then she just made herself look decent again and she left. She kissed me one more time, smiled her sexy smile, said ‘bye’ and she was out the door.

And I still don’t have her phone number.

Saturday September 27, 2008

Today I’m still slightly startled because of what happened last night. The birthday party I went to did luckily not turn out to be an all lesbian couples affair, but I did get introduced to a brand new twosome. Well, actually one of them didn’t need any introductions at all. It was K. The woman I saw her with a while ago knows my friend Ilona’s girlfriend (whose birthday was being celebrated). And that woman brought K. to the party, because they are obviously dating. And it’s a small world. So hideously small.

Ilona told me that she had no idea that she (let’s call her Patsy) was bringing K. I was just really amazed to see K. and I can’t say that it didn’t hurt me a little to see her with someone else. Some people move on so quickly, but I’m not one to speak because if Nikki had given me the time of day on our blind date I would have ‘moved on’ already as well. But still, it wasn’t the cosiest of circumstances to be in. Of course being a lesbian, even in a big city like this one, you have to become used to running in to ex-girlfriends. That’s just how it goes.

But in the end we’re all adults. And K. and I were very civilized to each other, in fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen her act so nice and normal. Maybe Patsy is good for her and I just brought out the worst in her. (And maybe that’s why I’m still single at 32.) Nevertheless the situation wasn’t totally free of awkwardness. There’s always going to be secret glances and odd remarks. It was just strange to see her turn up while I totally wasn’t expecting it. I’m not one to leave a party early but I didn’t stay very long. It’s one thing to see her there, but it’s another thing to see her there together with Patsy. Also, K. knew I was going to be there (she told me that herself) so not only was she there with someone else, she also came prepared. I don’t know, maybe she wasn’t acting so sane after all because she really did try to make a point out of showing me that things were going great with her and Patsy. I suppose all it did was reconfirm that K. and I really weren’t meant to be.

She said that she had hoped to see me at the party, she introduced Patsy to me (who will never get a fair introduction because the circumstances made me dislike her instantly) (don’t tell me that’s not how you would feel towards someone the girl you were dating not so long ago is dating now), she apologized for being so brief with me when we saw each other last time and she also said that maybe one of these days we should sit down and talk. But I don’t want to talk to K., not really, and I don’t feel as if I owe it to her either. It’s just over, it was an interesting affair to say the least but I don’t want to look back. I only want to look ahead. I did ask her if I could expect her to turn up regularly from now on at parties my friends were throwing and she confirmed, with a big smile on her face because ‘Patsy is so wonderful’. Somehow that was not really what I wanted to hear. But as I said, K. is in the past and the future… well the future starts tonight when I (hopefully) ask Nikki out.

I’ve been crossing my fingers for a couple of days now.

Friday September 26, 2008

Today I’m happy to be hang-over free. There’s nothing like the day after the day you had a hang-over. And although it took a lot of will power I did go for my weekly run last night, with seeing Nikki this weekend in mind of course. Which made it so much easier. I guess you could say I have the hots for her. I’ve been thinking about a plan of attack because although pining after someone who shows no interest in you does have its romantic and dramatic qualities, it can’t go on for too long. I actually have nothing against some unrequited love; it puts me in this state of melancholy and allows me to wallow in glorious self pity. There’s nothing like that to welcome a new autumn to the city, you know, walking home after work instead of taking the subway because you want to step on colourful leaves and enjoy the crisp fall air while thinking about that woman who is so gorgeous it would make you cry if you were an emotionally unstable person. But it mustn’t go on for weeks.

So my plan of attack is to score a second date with her. Somewhere in the course of tomorrow night I need to ask her out and she needs to say yes. If she doesn’t I will let it go and move on. That’s my plan. I know, it doesn’t sound like much of a plan; it’s actually more of an intention. What I know about Nikki so far is that she’s stunning (of course), she’s quite loud (I only found that out after seeing her last Tuesday, I really couldn’t tell after our blind date) (I’ve decided to ban the infamous blind date from my memory, BTW), she speaks like she’s an intelligent person, she’s been single for 4 months, she likes gay male attention and she’s into classical music. And she doesn’t particularly like me. But still, I can work with that. You see, next Wednesday I have to go to some classical music (which I know absolutely nothing about) concert because of work. Technically I don’t have to go (and I’ve been looking for a way out of it), but it would reflect better on me if I did go. (You get the picture.) So I’m going to get Ben to bring up the subject of that concert in the hope that Nikki has heard about it and then (one way or another) I’m going to try and manoeuver her into actually wanting to go with me. (And that way attending the concert will reflect even better on me because I would be there with a gorgeous woman.)

Of course the plan is not fail-safe. She could not be interested in going, she could already be going, she could say no, she could have other plans, she could not want to sit next to me for two hours… but it’s good to have a plan. Also, it may not be the best idea to take her to a work thing, but I thought that doing that would make it sound less like a date (and more like doing her a favour). The thought of sitting so close to her for a couple of hours, not speaking and all dolled up… it kind of makes me perspire.

I’m looking forward to the weekend, quite desperately actually. Tonight I have to go to a lesbian birthday party, that’s usually always interesting. Well, if it’s not all couples again. Did I mention before that I really hate being in a room filled with lesbian couples? It makes me feel so over the hill.

And I’m only 32. (Maybe this can become my regular closing catch phrase.) (Sorry, Alexandra! )

Thursday September 25, 2008

Today I’m hung over. Unfortunately, Ben doesn’t always have a good influence on me. Although we did catch up on our weekly swim last night, but if only that was all we did. The past week has been pretty crazy, what with finding a new flat so quickly, going on a (pretty bad) blind date, having my family over and lusting after unavailable women. So we decided that we needed a proper celebration drink with our new neighbours, Helen and Mona. And it got kind of out of hand. (My only consolation is that I’m probably not the only one feeling like sh*t today.) We must make sure not to make a habit out of work night excessive drinking, though.

Because Helen and Mona are a happy couple they are obliged to listen empathically to all of our dating adventures, good or bad. It’s just the price you have to pay for having a great girlfriend. Ben’s date with my colleague’s son was pretty successful, well, for “short term satisfaction” (as Ben likes to call it) anyway. I guess that sometimes I’m a bit envious of some people’s gift for casual dramaless sex. They meet, they like what they see, they don’t necessarily have to like what they hear, they spend the night together, they’re clear about their intentions (just a one night stand), they move on and no one gets hurts or causes a scene. (Not that it always goes like that, of course.) Last night I did find myself confessing that I wished my blind date had gone like that. But I’m a lesbian, I don’t really have it in me to think (and act) like that. And as a woman I don’t need to get lucky every few weeks to stay emotionally and physically balanced. I have several (male) friends who really start moaning like crazy when they haven’t been getting any for a while. And it’s not hard to notice the difference in their behaviour after a successful hook-up. But I guess as a person without a p*nis I can’t understand that. I am fascinated by it though. (That being said, I do have one buddy whose dry spell has been lasting almost as long as my 6 month dating hiatus before K. We’re all different of course. But sometimes I like to generalize to get a better understanding.)

Mona said that she’d also been thinking about introducing me to someone she thought would be a good match for me by means of a chaperoned blind date (meaning a double date with her and Helen). But I told her to hold off (for now) and I meant it. Actually, I’ve never had any problems finding dates in the past, it’s just that lately I’ve been a bit unfortunate with K. and Laura and Nikki. But that’s just how life goes sometimes. Meeting Nikki did take my mind of K. though. That really was a bad case of instant attraction and chemical reaction, well on my part anyway. Helen and Mona were of course quite curious to meet Nikki and they confirmed their attendance at the drinks party I’m having at my place this Saturday in Nikki’s honour. (Of course Nikki doesn’t know it’s in her honour.) (I hope she doesn’t cancel!) Only two more sleeps until seeing her again.

And then there’s Laura, who I’ve been ignoring rather successfully the past week. She’s been sending me e-mails in which she claims that we should remain friends and so on. Meeting Nikki actually made me look at Laura differently. I think that I may be to Laura what Nikki is to me (in slightly different circumstances). And I guess she may also have a bad case of wanting what you can’t have. So yeah, I do feel for Laura. Because I know what it’s like to meet someone and get swept away like that and of course it also flatters me but unfortunately I’m just not interested in her that way. And if I ever make it as far with Nikki as she did with me I’ll be over the moon. God, listen to me going on about Nikki. All this silly infatuation based on a luscious set of curls and a sexy mouth. She really does make me feel like I’m 16 again. Maybe that’s why I’m obsessing over her so much. Maybe I want to feel young again as opposed to semi-middle aged (and single).

And I’m only 32.

Wednesday September 24, 2008

Today I find myself smirking a lot. Last night Ben and I didn’t go swimming, instead he took me (as his plus one) to a dinner party an acquaintance of him was throwing. He told me that he hadn’t initially planned on going but when I told him about my blind date with Nikki he had an idea. That particular acquaintance of him (who also has a bit of a crush on him and was more than happy that he reconsidered the dinner party offer) is actually the guy who introduced Ben to Nikki and he expected her to also be at the dinner party and he thought it would be ‘interesting’ to take me as his date. If I hadn’t found Nikki so insanely hot I wouldn’t have taken Ben up on his offer but I guess I wanted to find out if she had just had a bad day last Friday or if she really hated me that much. I know, a bruised ego is a crazy thing.

So we arrive at this guy’s (let’s call him Oliver) place and there are two other men there and I’m the only woman. I’m used to male company and especially to gay male company so that wasn’t the problem; the problem was that Nikki wasn’t there. In a way I was relieved because I didn’t want her to think I was trying to see her again by using Oliver and Ben (which was actually the truth) because I don’t think that would instantly have made her change her mind about me. Then again, it could also have been a coincidence that I was there with Ben. I honestly hadn’t thought it through properly because Ben had really sprung it on me that afternoon and he actually hadn’t given me a chance to think about it, or to decline.

Of course Ben asked Oliver if Nikki wasn’t coming and he informed us that she was going to be late. I dare say that my heart skipped a beat upon that revelation. Until she arrived I had four gays at my disposal to dish as much on her as possible. Obviously they all knew Nikki and I went on a (blind) date because that’s just how it goes in Gay Land. Oliver said that she hadn’t said much about it but of course this was the first time I saw Oliver so he had no reason to tell me the truth. For all I know they had gossiped about me all weekend, talking about how awful a date I was. Or maybe she hadn’t mentioned me at all. But at least I could find out as much as possible about her, like all the things I wanted to ask her last Friday but couldn’t because she was giving me the stare of death. Unfortunately just as I was thinking how to coax as much information out of these guys as possible, Nikki arrived. She wasn’t surprised to see me at all so Oliver must have briefed her. At least she didn’t refrain from coming after she found out, so I thought of that as progress. Sometimes you have to hold on to little things.

I have to say that she seemed much nicer and more interested in me this time round; she even asked me some semi-personal questions. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that she was flirting with me, because she clearly wasn’t, but the vibe was very different from last Friday. I do know it’s a bad idea to go after a woman who is obviously not interested in you but sometimes you just have to set yourself a challenge. So I invited her and Oliver and Ben to have drinks at my place next Saturday. I may ask Helen and Mona and some other friends, for moral support and to tell me that I’m crazy for biting off more than I can chew. I really can’t count on Ben to set me straight, the only thing he does is spur me on. But I couldn’t risk not seeing her again and I can hardly ask Ben to go out with Oliver so we can double date (not that he hasn’t already suggested). And it’s just drinks. With other people. It’s totally harmless.

I should know better. But obviously I don’t.