Thursday July 31, 2008

Today I’m happy I haven’t got any dates planned for this weekend. Well, happy might not be the correct word, let’s just say it’s convenient because last night I got a call from a friend of my mother (not as old as my mother though but well on her way to being middle-aged) who asked me if she could stay at my apartment the coming weekend. She was supposed to come over a couple of weeks ago but had to cancel at the last minute due to some work crisis and I told her that she was welcome anytime. And that time will be this weekend. And on Monday I will be accompanying her on her way back to the country in another country (where my family lives). I’ve got a week off work next week, which is long overdue and highly anticipated. My mother’s birthday party is on Friday and on Saturday afternoon I will travel back to this city. I’m being deliberately vague because I still want to remain anonymous even though I know that anonymous blogging is so out. I don’t care. (And I have my reasons, if you want to know what my reasons are: read this blog.)

Anyway, this friend of my mother (let’s call her Eve) is not just any other friend of my mother to me. Ever since I moved here (now 7 years ago) she has come to stay with me for a couple of days at least once a year. She’s single, she’s never been married, she’s had some boyfriends because she is supposedly straight. And I’m not claiming that she isn’t straight, I’m just saying that I’ve always had my doubts. Not that anything ever happened between us that I wouldn’t share with my mother for instance, but maybe that’s just due to the fact that this woman used to babysit my brother and me when we were little and well… if something were to happen it could be hugely frowned upon. I’m just guessing.

I really like Eve, she’s not particularly beautiful but she sure has (country) charm and she can make me laugh really loud. And in these poor dating times I could sure use a good laugh. After 7 years of visiting she has her favourite spots in town, I never take her to gay bars because I don’t want to be presumptuous and we also hardly ever talk about being gay. But I can tell that she has a soft spot for me.

She’s arriving tomorrow night which is good because otherwise I would have been tempted to meet K. And I’m looking forward to a weekend without dating issues and let-downs, I can tell you that.

Oh, and nothing happened last night after seeing my faith girl in the morning. Lesbian faith did not deliver anything but the call from Eve…

Wednesday July 30, 2008

Today I’m hopeful. Not because K. confessed she’s madly in love with me and will leave her girlfriend for me or anything, but because I got a sign from some god out there. This morning I was late for work, I couldn’t get out of bed and I left home about half an hour later than usual. But guess who was late as well? The dyke I spotted about 2 weeks ago! She was there again and this time the glancing at each other was multiplied by well, by a lot. I still don’t think she’s particularly cute, but she’s my faith girl. The last time I saw her on the tube in the morning I met K. in the evening. The outcome of meeting K. might not have been good but meeting her and going on 3 dates with her sure was.

She e-mailed me back last night. Normally when I come home after swimming (and drinking with my equally fortunate at date-related stuff friend Ben) I go straight to bed but yesterday I felt this compulsion to switch on my computer and check my e-mail. 10.000 apologies again and a request to see me… I couldn’t get to sleep after that, which is why I was late this morning.

I haven’t replied yet because I honestly don’t know what to do. My common sense says: shut it down, but all the rest of me is actually dying to see her again. I guess we can already conclude that I won’t be able to resist…

Meanwhile I’ve been e-mailing a bit more with Diana, the other girl from my internet adventure. I asked her if she was married or if she had a girlfriend and she said no. So, that’s a good start… but I don’t know. Next week I’m going on holiday for a couple of days and I’ll see when I get back. I’ll be visiting my parents as my mother is turning 60 and I think a couple of days in the country (and in another country) will do me good.

I do wonder if anything will happen tonight, though…

Tuesday July 29, 2008

Today my main thought is Thank God For The Internet. Not that I have a lot of faith in finding someone honest on lesbian dating websites, but at least there is a glimmer of hope. Although I don’t really feel like going on any more dates in the near future… Also I haven’t been able to keep myself from thinking thoughts like “what if things between K. and her girlfriend aren’t that serious yet and she tells me that she really wants to date me… what would I do?” I try not to think about it though, but I just really really liked K.

Last night she sent me a text message which just said: “sorry”. But what does sorry mean when it comes from someone who’s about to welcome her girlfriend back after having been on two dates with another woman? After having kissed another woman? I don’t want to pretend I’m Miss Righteous and I too have told some lies in my (long & fruitless) dating career but there are limits to everything. And hiding you have a girlfriend goes well over the limit in my book.

But as I said I do live in hope because I actually do have quite a bit of (lesbian) friends who are happy with their girlfriends, who don’t cheat on their girlfriends (well, not as far as I know anyway) and who don’t go on dates with other women when their girlfriends are away. So I know that a happy lesbian ending is possible.

I also received another e-mail from Caitlin (the married wannabe bisexual on the prowl) in which she said (guess what) sorry… that’s a lot of meaningless sorries for one day. She said she really enjoyed our date and was sorry she didn’t say anything sooner but it was just because she liked me so much that she actually hadn’t said anything. How’s that for logic? I didn’t reply. 10 years ago I would have sent her a long e-mail back explaining to her exactly why not disclosing vital information about yourself on a first date is not a good idea (and telling her she’s a closet dyke), but when you’re semi-middle aged it’s better to use your energy for other things. Like sending an e-mail to a non-single woman you went on three dates with referred to as K.

I couldn’t help myself.

Monday July 28, 2008

Today I’m sad because a whole weekend of dating left me frustrated and alone, again. K. came over at 2.30PM and our date started with watching Project Runway, I thought that would be a good idea because watching gays on TV always gives you something to talk about. She then noticed a couple of drawings I had hanging on the wall and after I told her drawing is one of my favourite hobbies she asked me to draw her. (Just her face though, no naked body parts!) Which I did and it was a perfect excuse to study her pretty face in silence for a while. And that was that for the fun part of the date.

I was a little nervous about the whole situation and when I’m nervous I sometimes talk a lot and say things I wouldn’t say if I wasn’t so nervous. (You know what I mean.) And I told her about my date last night, about how the woman was married and she only told me at the end of the date and that made me feel like crap. She said she understood. Then there was a bit of silence. I wasn’t saying anything because I was preparing my big question. And then I finally managed to ask her how her date last Wednesday was and if she had been dating that woman for a while… She could barely look at me which made me feel a little anxious. And then she spoke the following words: “I’ve been dating her for 5 months.”

This was the girl who had kissed me on our last date, the girl who had made me feel like I had a crush, the girl I was very much looking forward to seeing… and then she told me she had been dating someone for 5 months. That’s not dating anymore, that’s called having a girlfriend. Then there were apologies and bold statements like “I couldn’t stop myself from asking you out when I met you” and “I didn’t plan this” and “I know I should have told you but…” And it all just made me feel really sad. I asked her what her girlfriend thought about the fact that this was the second time we saw each other this weekend and she said that her girlfriend was away on a family weekend. I couldn’t help but thinking: “how convenient!”

Exit K.

Sunday July 27, 2008

Today I’m in a bit of a hurry because K. is coming over this afternoon. It’s not that my place is a tip but it’s about 5 times smaller than her loft so I want it to be as clean as possible so it at least doesn’t look as small as it actually is.

My date with Caitlin last night went rather well, at least up to one specific point. We met at a party at a place I regularly go to so I had asked her to meet me at the left corner of the bar at 11.30PM where I would be sitting on my own, drinking a glass of white wine. We had seen each other’s pictures so we knew what to look for. She arrived at 11.40PM which is just on the edge between being stylishly and annoyingly late. We had been mailing quite a lot on Thursday and Friday so I already knew quite a bit about her. There was one thing she hadn’t told me though. She’s married. Yeah, remember when I wrote that all the good ones are taken? Well, this was actually not quite what I meant when I wrote that but I guess being married to a man qualifies as being taken, at least it does in my book.

We had a really nice time talking, joking and dancing. And then when we were about to say our goodbyes she said that she really had to tell me something before she left. She then told me she had been married for 5 years. I was surprised because I hadn’t seen it coming and I’m not used to looking for signs of marriage when meeting a woman. I asked her if her husband knew where she was right now and she said yes. She then gave me the whole Experimenting With Sexuality Blah Blah and it’s not that I have something against people who desperately want to try other things I just don’t want them to do it with me. She said that she didn’t want to put it in her internet ad profile because she thought it would scare people of. Well, that was a good assessment.

Even though I was quite angry at that point because she had been leading me on all night I tried to stay polite, I shook her hand and left. And I started looking forward to my date with K.

She’ll be here in a couple of hours.

Saturday July 26, 2008

Today I think I have a crush. My date with K. yesterday was wonderful. And I now understand why she didn’t ask me up last Sunday when she took back the wine glasses to her flat. Well flat is not the right word actually. She lives in a huge loft on the top floor of the building and it’s absolutely stunning. When I arrived I found a mojito waiting for me (which is equally effective in making you think you’re not nervous anymore). I told her mojitos were my favourite cocktails the last time we met. I concluded that she was making an effort. Of course the question burning on my lips was: how was your date on Wednesday? But one mojito didn’t give me enough courage to go down that road.

Dinner was good and the conversation went pretty smooth, she smiled a lot which is a good thing because she has a very sexy smile. I start to sound really cheesy now, I know. During dinner we had talked about yoga and I confessed I have a yoga DVD and I practice it in front of the TV. I admitted that I wasn’t really able to execute every yoga pose equally gracefully and she offered to teach me to do it properly as she has been doing it for years. I gladly accepted, of course. So, at around 10PM I found myself in a huge loft being bent into forward and upward facing dog. It was quite an experience.

When I finally found the courage to ask her about her date last Wednesday she said that she would tell me all about it when we saw each other next time. And then she kissed me. And I kissed her back. And that was fun. When I got ready to go home she asked if I was free tomorrow and I just managed to remember my blind internet date. So I invited her over to my place on Sunday and I promised her we could watch the first episode of the new season of Project Runway. She’s a fan.

Obviously I think the date went great because well, we kissed… but I am hesitant. The fact that she didn’t want to say anything about her other date doesn’t sit right with me. And I wonder what she will have to say on Sunday.

Up to the next date tonight. I feel like such a slut.

Friday July 25, 2008

Today I’m excited. Not only have I got a date tonight, I also have one tomorrow night. And I’ve been e-mailing quite a bit with a third girl, who I shall call Diana (which is not her real name, you know the drill). I guess we can say that things are looking way up on the dating front. And also, how’s that for not putting all of your eggs in one basket?

I am new to non-exclusive dating but I’m 32 I feel like I have to go full speed ahead but I probably wouldn’t be doing it if K. wasn’t. But at least I’ll have a good answer when she asks me whether I’m seeing other people. I’m also not sure yet if I’ll be going on a date with Diana, I’ll see how this weekend goes first.

So, tonight… I’m invited to dinner at K.’s. I’m a bit nervous and I probably won’t be able to eat, that’s why I decided on the bottle of champagne as a bring-a-long-item because there’s nothing better to take the edge of situations than some alcoholic drink with bubbles. She asked me whether I was a vegetarian, which makes me think that she’s not because otherwise she shouldn’t have asked. Of course I’ve been racking my brain over what to wear. I can’t wear a skirt because I’ll be going by bike, which is good because I hate wearing skirts and I actually don’t own one. But if the subjects of skirts comes up or she’s wearing one and she asks me about it and I can always say – if the situation requires it – that I wear them a lot but couldn’t tonight because I can’t cycle with a skirt. Or maybe I should contemplate not lying.

When I last saw her on Sunday she was wearing a pair of taupe linen trousers and a tight short-sleeved white blouse. It looked hot, which is why I’m slightly nervous about what to wear. I’ll probably go for jeans again because I’d like to feel comfortable; it helps to at least feel comfortable in your clothes when you’re in a bit of a nervous situation.

Does it show I’m nervous and I really like this girl?